As a child I feel as through I was taught to be a puppet by getting a long with family, but when it came to friends I was taught to stand my ground. Now that i’m 18, with a mind of my own, i’ve come to realize that family members are just like friends. The problem is that  you can’t really unclaim them. 

Right now with the situation that i’m in, i feel like if I distance myself from that side of the family I could also lose the relationship I have with my mother. That’s not something  I want to do, but it’s something I will do to make life for me easier. 

I don’t think my mom would want that to happen, especially because I am her only child. I just wish that she would believe me sometimes. i have never lied to her, and as my mother she should stand my side all the time and not some of the time. She tends to dip when that side of the family starts they shit with me. 

Maybe there’s something I can say, that will get her to understand. I just hope she knows that this would be the time to listen to me, and shut me out, or tell me that satan is using me, when it’s my cousin acting an ass.

This sandal is so tropical, and can be found at Journeys for $34.99 (Miro)

I love this sandal!!! Its so western with the cool feathers. It can be found at Journeys for $29.99 (two lips too pirate)

This wedge is so cute. I love the braided straps incorporated with the shoe. The wedge it self is a beautiful color. This can be found at Journeys for $64.99 (penny loves ken dunn)

I think this shoe is adorable for a sunny day. I can see this in a color block outfit. The shoe can be found at Journeys for $34.99 (Finnick)

My nana used to have a flat sandal like this back in the 90’s with the buckles. I love it in a wedge. This is very stylish. The shoe can be found at Journeys for $44.99. (SHI ovally)

 So before you say cute sneaker. I thought you should know that is indeed a rain boot. They come in yellow, pink, purple, green, gray, black,and blue. These can be found at Aldo for $29.98. They are usually $50.00. I think it’s worth the buy because it’s so unique.

I thought this was funky. It reminds me of the 70’s and 80’s mixed. 70’s because of the shape and 80’s because of the color. This shoe is by Jessica Simpson and it’s on sale for $88.00  (petra)

Last night I had a dream that i was rejected by a guy I used to like. I was also in a country town that had to wear a gas mask, because the air was so polluted. I was also made fun of for having big lips. In my dream my lips were way bigger than what they are now.

Anyway i looked up this dream and it pretty much said that you’re not acknowledging a part of yourself, lack of communication, and not being myself. 

I know exactly where this is coming from. Yesterday I was told to be a supportive friend, (of something that I don’t support at all), be understanding (of something that I don’t understand), and to be a guide for this friend when she ask for my advice and not be a dictator. I was also told that I was very stuck in my ways.

What through me for a loop was that not only was I being DICATATED to about what kind of friend I should be, but I was being told about myself by someone who does the same shit, and in my opinion is more stuck in her ways than me.

I hate to see my friends fall. So my “B” for not understanding whats so great about a guy who has made my friend cry on more than one occasion. My “B” for not lying to her and saying it’s ok to fight for him when he is clearly doing the bare  minimum to keep you interested and then breaks it down for her that she operates on his time. My “B” for telling her that she deserves better. 

Call me what you want, stubborn, a bitch, overly strong-minded, judgmental, whatever.

I do NOT accept the following terms and conditions.

• Being supportive of someone I care about put herself  in a real fucked up situation.
• Being understanding of shit that I don’t understand.
• That the things that are happening to her are not her fault. (yes it is, we as people give people permission to do stuff to us more than once)
• Being told what kind of friend I need to be, especially by someone who does the same shit if not worse.
• I do not accept being asked for my advice since i’m so wrong.
• I do not accept being a comforting pillow for the same problems over and over and over again.

 If it has to ring a bell later on in life, then so be it, but I can’t sit around and watch the shit go down when I know I want to help, but there’s nothing I can do but repeat myself like a broken record and be what seems like the worst friend ever. One day when all of it comes to the light someone will understand the love and support (by being there when you fall) and honesty that I was giving. 

Now that i got that off my chest, i’ll go back to being silent.

Friday night after what was suppose to be a civil conversation went south because people have unnecessary attitudes, I went to a house party. 

The very first house party I went to, I walked to the door and turned right back around. I brought my purse with me, not knowing that it was going to be shoulder to shoulder. I asked “man” to come with me, and the attitude he gave me was totally uncalled for. I don’t understand why he wouldn’t go with me, any other day he throws a fit about me walking by myself.

After I had had enough of his attitude, I went back to this sweat box party. Some girl with horse eyelashes approached man. I ignored it, but she kept coming around so I went outside to keep from getting annoyed. 

While being outside in the yard with Asha talking 2 guys walked up and said thank you for coming out. I said this aint even yo house. He smiled and said I’m a kappa. oh…:o 

This guy was really nice, and gave me a lot of insight on how to make connections being a mass media major. While holding a decent conversation a fight broke out on the inside of the party. Man saw me, and snatched me up by my hair. Man is 6’1 200 something pounds and a line backer on the football team. 

I have never felt the kind of hurt that i’m feeling now. Someone I called friend, was damn near in a relationship with completely disrespected me, and on that note I think it’s time to say goodbye. 

He has put hickeys all over my face, left a bite mark on my back, burps in my face, and now snatching me by my hair. I guess next is going to be a punch in the face. 

God must be trying to make a complete man out of me. 2 of my aunts passed away within the course of 3 weeks, and my “friends” have shown their ass, and the one I could honestly say I may have been falling in love with might be abusive in the long run.

I need to go sit in a church, and stay there for a very long time.

I mean what I say and say what I mean. 

I said I was doing me, living my life, doing whatever floats my boat, and the millions of other ways you can say this and it mean the same thing. 

The people who know me know that I don’t give in to peer pressure very easily. They also know that I don’t drink. 

Well last night I was in a blah mood. My friends managed to keep putting me on the back burner, and only call me to chill when it’s convenient for them. Oh yes i caught on to that shit, and its about to end. I don’t appreciate. 

anyway a sip or two of 4 loco, 2 shots of that nasty tasting gin had me buzzing, and saying whatever came to my mind. This was a first and I don’t see myself doing this on a daily basis or every weekend, maybe once a month. 

No one sits around drunk, so we all went out to the bars. The bars were cool, and I saw Cliff. I hadn’t really seen or talked to him since like the end of february. I ended things with us because he wanted me to do everything that a girlfriend would do, without a commitment. I don’t do friends with benefits, or main chick, side chick, appetizer, entree, dessert chick. I told him when you’re ready to actively pursue me, feel free to hit me up, but until then i’m doing me. 

*sings drake* the good ones go if you wait too long.

Seeing him made me feel like I wanted another nasty tasting drink. He didn’t look too friendly every time he looked in my direction,and his friend just kept tapping him, saying bruh look, there she go. 

The last time I saw him, I was coming out of class and I heard someone say is that her, and he turned around, looked at me, and said yea.

So I guess what i’m saying is what’s up with this whole tell friends keep pointing me out like i’m a walking freak show, and why is he so angry?